It was 4:30 in the morning when Councilmember Ed Balico’s phone started ringing. Balico wasn’t sleeping because — as you know — vampires never sleep. It was City Manager Nelson Oliva who was frantic on the other end of the line, and based solely on his trembling voice, somewhat disheveled in his appearance.

The most comical aspect to transpire in the wake of substantive questions being asked regarding the affordable housing agency is the conspiracy theory within a conspiracy theory that is being pedaled by some City officials. That somehow — despite the facts, evidence, and resolute reluctance by City officials to rebut or refute the charges — there is “the whole story” no one understands yet, except for a few City officials that know it well. These officials tell us that when “the whole story” is revealed, everything will be understood, but no one can quite say anything just yet. (In a lot of ways — at least as it stands now — it is similar to OJ’s purported search for the real killer. Damn the facts.)

Thanks to my sources however, I’ve been able to muster together a string of events that partly reveal “the whole story.” So back to it; Balico receives a call from Oliva at 4:30am —

Nelson Oliva: The city’s in trouble.
Ed Balico: Yes, I know. I’ll fix it this afternoon.
Oliva: No, real trouble, nothing that a pair of ribbon scissors will fix.
Balico: Oh.
Oliva: The city’s in danger of an imminent attack.
Balico: By who?
Oliva: Keynesian dictators. They have a list of demands.
Balico: You mean the Waterfront developers? I knew we should have pushed the Szabo plan harder. And I also have those ideas for a helipad and gondola I want to talk to you about.
Oliva: No, Keynesian dictators. Please pay attention.
Balico: What do they want?
Oliva: Well, it appears to be a few things. First, they want my daughter to take over as CEO of my company [NEO], and be the consultant for the affordable housing agency.
Balico: You mean the daughter that is still in college?
Oliva: Yes, and they also want her to have a part-time job as server at the local pub.
Balico: That’s easy enough; they sort of owe us after the business loan we gave them.
Oliva: Their second demand in that we bail-out Rachael Redford’s underwater condo.
Balico: We really should change that street name to Underwater Boulevard to raise the property value.
Oliva: Basically we will be chasing our $50k first-time homebuyers loan with another $300k on a property that is now valued at $115k.
Balico: Is this the Rachael Redford that works at NEO and the affordable housing department?
Oliva: Um, yes.
Balico: And didn’t I broker the original sale to her and make some easy cash? I put in a pool with that money.
Oliva: Yes, I was there for the pool party you threw — and the ribbon-cutting ceremony.
Balico: By the way, can we rename my street Poolfront Drive? I really think that will do the trick. Maybe just rename my driveway.
Oliva: On the topic of the Keynesian dictators, sir. We have to remain quiet. It is their final demand. And if the press finds out — or starts asking questions — we cannot say anything.
Balico: I’m good at that.
Oliva: I know you are.

And that is all I’ve got so far. Apparently all of these affordable housing transactions, and City officials’ continued and awkward secretiveness, is to save the city from imminent harm. I have also heard a theory that this is actually a concerted effort to shoot a Hollywood film in Hercules called “Stash of the Titans,” but there is no confirmation on that either. No one is talking.